Posted by: ~KC~ | September 27, 2007

Hi. My Name Is…

Inspired by Mocha Momma’s recent posting – who was inspired by The Silent K take on it… so on so forth… I would like to introduce myself… 

Hi.  My name is… but before I do… here are a few things you should know about me. 

Nothing is ever as it seems. 

I am full of dualities.  I am duality.  I come from duality and astrologically… I am born from and into a world of dualities.  Nothing is ever concrete or black and white.  It is neither any particular shade of gray.  In fact… it is rather colourful but ever so subtle.  I am 33, going on 34 yrs old (I had to ask because I never remember my age), single, no children and a have two of the best cats a single girl could ask for. 

Loosing my mother at the tender age of 4 (going on 15) – there lies within an emptiness that not even time and space… let alone the wrong kinds of love  will ever fill.  My unconditional love for her motivates me to live a life that she never could.  I spend a lot of time wondering if we would be friends had she lived… and in all honesty – I doubt we would have.   

I am embarking on the most challenging time in my life – having my father come live with me.  His health is deteriorating rapidly.  He is only 58 yrs old.  My goal is to give him the best I can while he is still alive.  And yet I find myself riddled with fear that I will fail him in that task.  I think I may have set myself up for failure, making promises I have no idea if I can keep.  Some think that this is most noble on my part and yet I see it as purely a selfish act on my part.  There is nothing noble about it.  I am afraid of the eventual outcome and refuse to think about that… for the little girl within doesn’t want to loose her daddy to Death.  For then – who will I be without them in my life?  I spent so much time fighting him to only now have him invade my most precious sanctuary… my life.  And I am doing so willingly… but also very selfishly.  I am petrified.  And I am doing this alone. 

There is beauty in everything.  I know who I am.  I know what I am.  I know where I am going on most days.  I know how I got here.  I know what I want and don’t.  I am clear on what defines me.  I see myself clearly and am never afraid to delve into the depths of myself to figure out what defines me and change that where necessary.  I have embraced the darkest parts of me in spite of living with the fear of being exposed as an imposter.  Everything I do feels like a giant lie.  Yet, I am confident in my stance, my walk and for the most part, my talk.  But I am simple.  I don’t view life as complex.  Our egos make life complex. 

I get annoyed with fickleness and indecision.  I am impatient and impulsive.  I love spontaneity that frightens those who thrive on stability.  I seek out adventure and laughter.  I need to find laughter in even the most difficult of situations… even if it’s at my own expense.  I seek balance, combined with originality. 

I command a boardroom.  I am relentless at meeting schedules and deadlines in the name of customer satisfaction.  I think outside the box and rarely conform.  I will push the boundaries and find the loopholes… so here is a fair warning: take nothing for granted.  I am fierce.  Authority does not intimidate me – so you won’t find me kissing ass or brown nosing to make an impression.  I respect the authority given but you are human like I am and I too deserve the respect for being the mignon that does the work for you.  Give and take… no matter who you are.

By all standards – I am not supposed to be smart.  I am not supposed to be knowledgeable.  I am not meant to be in the position that I am in.  I don’t have a piece of paper to say: I am all those things… curtsey of such and such a school.  I never went to university.  I went to Technical School on a full scholarship for a one-year program.  And I was an honor student even in school.  I shouldn’t have been because my home life wasn’t conducive to having top honors.  But I am.  I know I am.  My father told me so.  I love astrology and the psychic.  That makes me weird –not smart.  My thoughts aren’t simple but something happens between my brain and my mouth that make me stumble all over the place.  And so I pretend.  I am the greatest of thespians and for many of the educated – they wouldn’t know any differently. 

I love clean lines and solids.  I love antiques and history.  The best shape in the world is that of an egg.  It is perfect in how it feels in my hand – not because of its fragility or how it fits perfectly in the palm of my hand but simply because it is life waiting to happen.  There is hope in that shape.  For only a brief moment, I am faced with the all-powerful energy of life, the Feminine.  The egg shape is the most perfect shape there is.  And yet – I strive to have more of an hourglass shape than that of an egg!!! 

I am Canadian.  I love the surreal, yet I am very practical.  I love fiercely and protect what I love.  I am loyal and defiant.  I am silly and profound.  I stand up for what I believe in.  Since I believe in myself… I stand up for myself and what I want. 

I feel confined by THINGS.  I resent my house.  I resent my car.  I resent the financial constraints they have put on me.  My house is not yet my home.  My father presence will reassure me that my house won’t eat me up and swallow me whole.  It will only then become a home.   

I crave to have a life of my own – complete with one LOVE and perhaps a child.  But I took a sledgehammer to my biological clock a few years ago and it hasn’t truly worked since.  I am not defined by the need to have children – despite being told it would certainly fill in the void left by my mother’s passing if I had children.  But I would like to have that in my life… and hopefully soon.  I am not ugly desperate about it.  I simply wish to have a life far greater than a table set for one in spite of being told it was not my destiny. I rarely do what I am told… asking is a different story all together.

I am a force of nature.  You feel my presence when I am in a room.  People want to talk to me, dance with me, sing with me and laugh with me.  I am known as the party favour.  I am a chameleon that way.  I have been told that you never forget meeting me.  I have one of those looks… the ones that leaves an impression… I will never look at myself as beautiful or having good looks.  I am simply unique looking.  I am not ugly… nor beautiful.  I dare not even utter those words.   Those words don’t suit me.

I love to philosophize.  Human nature completely fascinates me.  Discussions on religion and society feed me.  I despise the hypocrisy of politics and yet it is a topic that I wrote most passionately about or against.  I am fiercely independent and yet crave people.  I love my freedom and yearn to belong to someone.  I despise religion but believe in the spiritual.  I have a constant thirst for … something. 

I am mostly happy.  My friends make me happy.  I am an optimist.  I cannot help but be hopeful about tomorrow… and especially about the very next moment.  I should not be.  I refuse to be a victim of circumstances.  I don’t let yesterday define tomorrow.  So I survive on hope.  That’s all I have.  That is what sustains me… despite it all. 

But before I tell you my name… the reality is… nothing is ever what it seems.  I can tell you who I am and perceive myself to be.  But because my life is never one way or another… today… I will still be the same… but constantly changing.  I am my own best friend and strive to be ever so present in my own life.  I am resilient afterall. 

So…

Hi.  My Name is Kristina, but my friends call me KC.  It is an honor to introduce myself to you.

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Responses

  1. Interesting read. Thanks for sharing.
    Peace.

  2. Hi KC,

    Interesting post here. I love the music you have playing here, and I hope you’re having a relaxing weekend.

    Hugs and love!

  3. You and Mocha did a wonderful job. I doubt I could write so eloquently about myself.

    There are some ways I think we are so similar, and yet you always surprise me. An individual you are. Glad to have met you KC.

  4. Wow you are woman, hear you roar! I especially love “I am a force of nature.”

    Your dad is only 58? Holy schmoly – my parents were just here visiting for Dad’s 75th bday. Big dif.

    Anyhoo, sounds glib but things will work out as they are meant….moon and stars and all that alignment stuff prevailing…

  5. Hi there KC:
    Yes, I know your name is Kristina, but you’ll always be KC to me. I’m glad that I was finally able to get in here. I tried a couple of times before and I couldn’t get in for some reason; but it seems to be fine now.
    This is a very powerful blog. Not many people would be able to define themselves so intricately and with such decisiveness. I know I couldn’t. But, in the time that I’ve known you and from what I’ve been able to learn about you; I would say you’ve really “hit the nail on the head” here. All humans are very complex in nature, but they seem to like describing themselves in simple ways. You must do a lot of soul-searching to be able to define yourself in such an expansive way.
    I think you’ll do fine with your Dad. It will be good for him just to be with someone who cares about him. I definitely don’t understand what you mean when you say you’re being selfish. Taking in a parent is far from selfish. Believe me, I know….my Mother lives with me and has for the last 4 1/2 years now. She’s very self-sufficient and independant, but there is still a level of responsibility that we face when we take on the challenge of having a parent live with us. Maybe, once he’s with you, and he’s feeling a bit more secure about his life….maybe it will help his health improve. Or is that something the doctors have decided is not possible?? When I hear doctors talk like that, it always put me in mind of when I was diagnosed with a chronic kidney disease 16 years ago. At the time, they said that I had 2 to 4 years….I guess they were wrong….or, maybe I’m a “ghost” writer….lol.
    Hugs and Love,
    Diane

  6. YEHHHHHH!! It worked. I did what you said….I added at list to my space that includes my friends outside of MSN and I put it right up above my friend’s list….so, when I go to do a blogwalk, they’ll be right there and can easily be included in my walk. Thanks for the suggestion on how to solve that problem.
    Hugs,
    Diane

  7. This was so inspiring. I felt POWERFUL just reading it. You are so balanced and confident and comfortable with every aspect of who you are. And no matter what you say, I think taking your dad in is tremendously noble.

    On another note, I can’t believe someone told you that having a baby would help you to better deal with the mom issues! I mean, it might, I don’t know, that’s not the point. Have a baby because you love children, because you want to be a mom for the joy of being a mom…not to carry on a family name, not to help you through your problems, not to “complete” your life…I think you have the right idea without anyone else’s advice…

    Toni


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