It’s been one year, 6 months, 2 days and 6 hrs since you last told me “I love you like mad. Talk to you tomorrow.” In that single solitary moment, you made my heart soar the highest it’s ever been, reaching for the highest of the highs but in the very next, you made it dive, to a fiery and fatal crash. The lowest of the lows and I’ve hardly recovered. It’s been one year, 6 months, 2 days and 6 hours since I last heard your voice. Since I last felt your love. And I’ve cried so much for you during that time, trying to replace you with the wrong kinds of love.
But yesterday, I cried my last tear over you. My heart ached for the last time over you. For I finally learned the truth – after all this time. I FINALLY learned that you didn’t mean those words and you didn’t love me like mad. You didn’t love me the way I loved you. You tried. You wanted too. But you couldn’t. And you didn’t try hard enough to love me the way you knew how. Because you simply didn’t want it. You didn’t want me enough to fight past the insecurities and your demons. So I cried for the last time yesterday. I sobbed and embraced that pain… because it is a pain I will never forget but will never accept again.
Perhaps you didn’t understand me. Perhaps you weren’t willing to understand me. You saw my pain. I showed up insecure but I thought you weren’t. My mistake. You said you were sure – but obviously not sure enough. The signs were there, but I must have chosen to not see them. I looked at you with blinders on and ignored what I felt was happening. I was yours for the taking… but you didn’t. My heart was wide open to you before you slammed its door shut, locked it and threw away its key. But I will tell you this… I don’t regret you. I don’t regret my emotional investment in you. I went after what I wanted, even if I didn’t get it – I still went after that dream. Because I loved you. All of you… the good and the bad. And I still love you, like mad Papi.
So I shed my last tear. Because I love myself more today than I did yesterday. And because I understand – I can’t make you love me the way I ache to be loved by you. And at the end of my life – I can look back and say … I did what I needed too, I did what I was supposed too. I went after you with love… even if I failed. Not all dreams become real.
Time changes many things … but for some unknown reason… my love for you doesn’t. What changed is that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I am stronger and I won’t cry anymore. Because I don’t regret going after what I wanted. Even if I lost it when it was within my grasp. Today, to cry is to deny the beauty of that journey, even if I grieve the loss of it. For it was perfectly flawed from the get go. And I was beautifully imperfect in your search for perfection. I can’t give you what I don’t have to give.
So today is a brand new day. I am no longer willing to be a prisoner of the past. It wasn’t meant to be. I learned so much thanks to you… and I will cherish it all – with all my heart. You moved homes. You changed your number. You don’t have a computer anymore. You made sure your family wouldn’t talk to me – but you didn’t expect your niece to tell me the truth. You simply and easily wrote me off. Without a word. Without notice. Without explanation. Leaving me to figure it out on my own – after one full year, 6 months, 2 day and 6 hours. But at the end of the day, at the end of your life… I would still be there to hold your hand. Even after much time, life changes many things but never how I feel about you. Love will subside. It will change to affection and I will make room in my heart for a love different than yours. It might be better. It might not. I don’t know. What I do know is that I would still hold your hand because what I know and felt is very real, even if you didn’t believe in it enough. I can’t fault you. Nor will I punish myself for living my life.
So Papi… I cried for you last night. In fact, I sobbed uncontrollably, soaking my pillow. I cried your name and ached for your touch. I begged the powers that be to make things different… to give me what I wanted… You. But that’s a lot to ask for. And today I know – it was more than a dream but it is one that doesn’t belong to me. And my life is good, even if you’re not in it. I am letting you go. Because I love you like mad… but you’re disappearance is driving me mad. So I love myself more today than yesterday. And I need to heal. Many things in my life need to change, and so, I choose to start with you. Because one year, 6 months, 2 days and 6 hours is a longtime to be aching for the past… one that doesn’t belong to me. Not anymore.
Even though you can’t read this because you made sure you couldn’t, I say these words to you from the bottom of my heart…
“Wherever you are, wherever you go. Wherever I’ll be and going, just know – I still love you like mad… but I’m letting you go today. I wish you happiness and healing. I wish for you what I wish for myself, even if it’s not a vision of us together. Be well. Be safe. See you in the next lifetime.
Love You Always, Signed – Your Mami.”