Posted by: ~KC~ | May 27, 2008

Life

Here is your Sagittarius horoscope for Tuesday, May 27:
You feel kind of slow and mopey today, but don’t despair — there’s still plenty of time for you to get stuff done later on. You may find that it’s more efficient to just blow the day off and start again soon.

I had this big rant on the stupidities of dating and love and what not.

Had to take it down.

I was being a bitch.

And it wasn’t right.

So I’m sorry if you read it…

I’m in a miserable mood today.

You shouldn’t have to bare the brunt of that.

I’m afraid of tomorrow… because as much as I know that tomorrow’s appointment will help alleviate a lot of the stress that I’ve been feeling… I am petrified and extremely disappointed in myself on so many levels that I have to resort to this. And without giving up the details – it’s my fault. And I feel like a failure because I could not keep a promise I made to my father. And he feels helpless, as though he should be able to help me but he can’t due to his circumstances. So tomorrow’s appointment, even if it will give me a direction and a way forward… just reminds me that life isn’t as straight-forward as I think it is sometimes. It’s been weighing on my mind a lot these days. Distractions aren’t helping. Trust me I tried.

Doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well at all. It’s been weeks since I actually had a decent night sleep. Haunting images appearing in my dreams… cryptic messages that usually I love to decipher but these days, I wake up far too exhausted to even care.

A bit before leaving for San Antonio, I walked away from a potential relationship with a seemingly nice guy … but it was for the best. But he chose to ‘dump’ on me the news that his brother was murdered weeks ago in cold-blood while on vacation in Jamaica, but didn’t want to tell me when it happened. He didn’t want me to feel ‘pity.’ Then proceeded to get upset with me when I Google’d to see if it was true and get details since he wouldn’t give me anything. He basically chewed me up to pieces. Now he’s trying to make amends with constant texts but I’m tired. Too tired to deal with him. I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to be more compassionate and empathetic towards him… but I’m tired.

I’ve got shit going on too. I offered my assistance and friendship but he threw that at me because I Google’d his brother instead of waiting for him to tell me the details… of the event that has now happened a month ago.

Maybe I’m being unreasonable. But I’m tired. And I’m being selfish with how much attention I’m giving to anyone these days. You have to be pretty impressive to get my attention.

Ugh. I sound even more like a bitch.

I feel like I’m being pulled in many directions… some want me to be happy for them, while others want me to play therapist and solve their problems. But I don’t have it in me to give it to them… all the time. Not when I have things going on in my life… and I’m not getting their support.

I’m good.

But not that good.

I’m a rainmaker.

But I don’t play in the rain when there are thunderstorm and lightening all around.

It’s been hard because I’m spinning. Literally. The room just starts to spin. I take a deep breathe… And the migraines. And the sinuses/allergies are insane. Stress simply amplifies all these things. And all I want is to escape. Make it all go away… but I don’t know how… since I created this mess. I need to do something…

Cry too. But that can’t happen right now.

At least you will never know if I have cried.

Tomorrow needs to happen. I know. But I’m really afraid. I have to do some preparation for tomorrow’s appointment … tonight. I’m afraid of what I’m going to see and learn. But I just have to make it till tomorrow. And then the rest ought to settle down… because I will now know what my options are.

And the gods only know that I need some options right now.

Either that.. or I need to put a lime in the coconut…

(No. It’s not a health issue. Just other things that life throws at us… and pride prevents me from talking about it.)

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Responses

  1. Oh Mami–Those shoes you’re wearing–I’ve worn them too. It’s harder some days than most. You know where I’m at whenever you need something. I’ve got your back KC.

    XO

  2. Well seems like I need to get you on a perscription of cocktails and dancing STAT.

    Life is too short to take it this seriously.

    You know something is getting to you when you can’t laugh at this.

  3. Hang in there. Not everything in life has to be solved today.

  4. may the world look and be better for you soon!
    hugs
    magui

  5. I was just catching up, and can’t help but notice the blue note running through your entries. I am sitting here trying to think of something to say that is helpful. Breathe, focus, and the let the stuff that don’t matter fall through the cracks. I hope it gets better soon.


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