Posted by: ~KC~ | June 5, 2008

Written by a Man


DISCLAIMER: This was sent to me by my MALE friend, as a joke. All in humour… and although there is a lot of truth in this when it comes to certain kinds of men… not all men are jerks. Pigs – yes… but not all are jerks.



We are about to enter the BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory two meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:


More routine…

(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.

He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:


More routine…

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off.’ And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women…



  1. BTDT

  2. Whoa, lady. I’ll have you know that when smoking ribs or a pork butt, my job starts two nights before. I get the meat out, thaw it in the fridge.

    Unwrap it. Pat it dry. Massage dry rub into it’s flesh for a good five minutes, wrap it tightly in saran wrap or a garbage bag and it becomes almost a wet marinade as juices from the pork meld. It goes in the fridge for 24 hours.

    Buffalo wings get taken out and put in a container where they can marinade in cayenne pepper sauce and buttermilk for 24 hours.

    The night before the BBQ I clean up the BBQ all over, scrub the pan out, hunt down woodchips, make sure the grills are clean, soak the chips. Out comes the pork butt if that’s on the menu, and it gets checked hourly until it is served. 4 separate chips/water infusions spread regularly throughout. If it’s ribs they go in 8 hours before the dinner is to be eaten. Wings go in 2-1/2 hours prior to dinnertime.

    This also requires preheat cycles in the regular oven to get things started (saves lots of time).

    Then I make two sauces – a hot mustard sauce and then a sweet smoky sauce from scratch. I mix up the ranch and blue-cheese with bacon bits for the wings.

    Food gets taken out and is shredded or cut up depending on the butt or ribs choice, the wings get a sear on the regular BBQ and tossed in more cayenne sauce.

    So I actually can sleep at night when I ask for some logistics in setting the table and getting a salad going. I am usually sweating pretty good as we sit down and eat.

    See, not all men are pigs. Wait… yes we are.

  3. hmm…. is that what we have to look forward too?? Dear lord have mercy…

    (btw… I didn’t say I suscribed to it… I just posted a joke my MALE friend sent me… that I think is funny and true in many instances. You are one of a kind LK… but we already knew that… Kudos to you!!)

    And because of that… I editted my post to put that PREFACE and disclaimer in there for you…

  4. My advice to my daughter will be along the lines of: Until you are on your own and have a job and know what life is really about, you should assume that all men are pigs, because we are (and this is where I need to stress the point that she has no idea whatsoever**)

    And yes, ribs, pork butt, and wings go like that. It’s a fine-tuned ballet honed over the last eight years.

    ** Larry Miller did an act years ago… he was mentioning how men and women are totally different, with women saying “Well we have those urges, too!” He smirks, and says “You have no IIII-DEA. It’s like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it.”

  5. Oink.

    Lemur, sounds like we might be in for a good time.

    Mmmm… Food not made by a Nigerian. The mouth, it does water.

  6. I grew up with 3 brothers.
    I didn’t have to assume men were pigs
    I grew up knowing they were.

    And yes… Larry was right.
    I have crazy animalistic urges.
    More than most women.. even if they are stiffled at the moment.
    I am a Sagittarius afterall.

    BUT… dear god… it IS the difference between shooting a bullet from a gun… and throwing it. At least… with some men. I have met a few (sad but true) that complained.

    And now you have me wanting to starve myself until your BBQ… dear lord… nothing like a dry rub, smoked, marinated meat……………… oh… lordy have mercy…

  7. lol!
    in Uy we say “un aplauso para el asador!” (an applause to the one who cooked the meat) 😀

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