She made me do it… but have you seen how nice she is??? It’s so hard to resist anything she asks of you!!!
Got this meme from the incredible Mocha Momma’s blog. Afterall – she did say to Tag Yourself… here is my febble attempt at identifying what I can and cannot do.
The Rules: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. And it’s a freakin’ free-for-all on snarky comments. Assign 2 other poor bastards to the task and the electronic equivalent of chain letters is complete. The only thing to do is to sit back and wait for my millions to be mailed to me.
1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. “Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it” ~ Gordon R. Dickson.
2. Tell if someone is lying. “Lying is done with words and also with silence” ~ Adrienne Rich
3. Take a photo. “There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer.” ~Ansel Adams
4. Score a baseball game. There’s a bat. There’s a ball. There’s a pitcher and a catcher. And a bunch of people running around in circles (called diamonds, not sure why???). Now give me the beer and a hotdog because I don’t care about the rest. It’s too damn boring.
5. Name a book that matters. “Who Moved My Cheese?” by Spencer Johnson, MD. Don’t mess with my cheese dammit!
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. Hmmm… I’d have to say “Jonas” – no – not the bubble-gum Disney child labour band. This is the Canadian rock band Jonas.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. Stove, oven, open fire, coals – if there is heat – I can cook it. Just don’t expect it to always taste good. I make no guarantees and you will be asked to sign a liability waiver.
8. Not monopolize the conversation. I love to talk but life has taught me that sometimes the best thing a person can do is to shut-up and listen. “The first duty of love is to listen” ~ Paul Tillich
9. Write a letter. A lost art. But I can write a beautiful letter. Especially when inspired.
10. Buy a suit. Let’s just say that I have a gift for shopping. Too bad I don’t get to do it much these days.
11. Swim three different strokes. Butterfly, breaststroke, and sidestroke
12. Show respect without being a suck-up. “It is my hope someday to see science and decision makers rediscover what the ancients have always known, namely that our highest currency is respect”~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb
13. Throw a punch. As only LL Cool J can sing: “Momma said knock you out!!!” I haven’t had to do it in a very long time and I really don’t want to ever have to do it again.
14. Chop down a tree. I’ve never had too but I am fairly confident that after watching my father do it a few times, I can handle an axe and a chain saw.
15. Calculate square footage. I ask someone else to tell me what it is. Don’t ask me if you are looking for accuracy. I’ll WAG it.
16. Tie a bow tie. What? You don’t have a clip on??
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. Damn straight – Pink Lemonade, dark spiced rhum and crushed ice. Oh. Gimme more…
18. Speak a foreign language. Well depending on who’s reading this – Canadian English can be foreign even to Canadians. But I do speak French as well. I am certifiably bilingual.
19. Approach a woman man out of his her league. No one is out of anyone’s league. He shits/pisses/showers/shaves just like any other. His ego might be bigger than others… but damn straight – if I want to talk to you, I will.
20. Sew a button. I can sew a button.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. Why bother? I know – that’s terrible… but sometimes it’s true!!!
22. Give a woman man pleasure, an orgasm, so that she he doesn’t have to ask after it doesn’t have any energy left. What? You can’t?? Shame on you… if you are left wondering if there is more… there’s a problem… but if you still want more even after the head rush, sweating and pound-outta-yer-chest heart beat – then that’s the cherry on the sundae… And it goes for both giving AND receiving… never be too selfish!!!
23. Be loyal. I try, but don’t irk me. I’ll turn on you like a muthafucka. (Same as Mocha Momma… I her sentiment)
24. Know his her poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. What? You don’t know that all it takes is boobies, beer/scotch, food and some sport-like activity. Even better if he can have it all in one day. Do I have to edumacate you?
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. Sure I can – might take 15 hits but then that’s what Dad’s are for. He can do it in two.
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. Nope. Never tried. Not really interested in trying either. I prefer the shrieking part.
27. Play gin with an old guy. Does drinking Gin with an old guy count?
28. Play go fish with a kid. I prefer 52 Pick-Up. It’s funnier and quicker that way.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. I’m still waiting for Chris Angel to do a show on that. I likey. **Drool**
30. Feign interest. Can you see my eyes sparkle with excitement??
31. Make a bed. Sure can but why bother? Afterall if you are doing #22 right – you won’t really be able to move to make up the bed and then you’ll need to change the sheets… and wanna start all over again. My kind of vicious cycle.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. I can say ‘Full Bodied’ and mean it. How about MORE??? Does that count?
34. Dress a wound. First Aid. Yup. And I like to play nurse and patient. It’s a nice lead up to #22.
35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. OK. Can’t change the oil. But I can jump start a car AND change a flat tire.
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. I prefer others to make bets and loose their money. I’ll watch. You play. If you loose – you can’t blame it on me.
37. Shuffle a deck of cards. Damn straight. I learned the hard way and a lot of 52Pick-Up moments as cards went flying… but I can now!
38. Tell a joke. I prefer playing pranks than telling jokes. Do ‘knock knock’ jokes count? I have a 4 yrs old neighbour…
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. See #36… but I’d like to learn as long as I don’t have to loose any money.
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he/she will hear. Look mischievous, whisper and get a twinkle in your eye. Embellish your story and he/she will be captivated for hours.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. Eye contact and be polite. A little flirting goes a long way too.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. I can bark. I really can.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. I’ll read the directions and tell my dad what it says. That’s as close as you’ll get me to playing with electricity.
44. Ask for help. A daily lesson… but it gets almost easier with each try.
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. Show him cleavage. it usually works.
46. Tell a woman’s dress size. Sure can but don’t you even dare attempt to guess at mine or attempt to buy me clothes. I don’t like that.
47. Recite one poem from memory. I know a few French ones and a couple of tongue twisters.
48. Remove a stain. Depends on the type of stain.
49. Say no. NO! Oh NO HELL NO! I can even get the head bob-a-ma-jig and finger wagging going too. Try me. You’ll see.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. Yes, but it’s gross.
51. Build a campfire. If you’re in a hurry… best not ask me. But I can, after smoking out the campsite or the living room.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do. What? How did you know my job description? It’s thankless dammit… I said thankless!!!
53. Sometimes, kick some ass. I lost a few shoes lodged up people’s asses… and I wasn’t about to go on an expedition to retrieve them either.
54. Break up a fight. I’ve had to step in once or twice… but that was before it got overly violent.
55. Point to the north at any time. My internal compass is defective. The OEM never offered a warranty on it… so I’m shit outta luck.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. The secret language of music…
57. Explain what a light-year is. Google! Wikipedia! Buzz Light Year!!
58. Avoid boredom. I can … but why???? You can get into so much trouble fun when bored….
59. Write a thank-you note. And do it poetically. I can. I have. I will do so again.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. Hate the no-name products… its just not the same!
61. Cook bacon. I can. But I really really don’t like it or the smell of it. I cook it for others.
62. Hold a baby. I can. I have. And I love giving it back to it’s parents when they poop or spit up, and especially when it starts to cry.
63. Deliver a eulogy. I’m sure I can. I just don’t ever want too though. It won’t be pretty.
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. Most heroes at some point were/are SOBs…
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. See #4. Where’s the beer?
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. I’d much much prefer to watch the hot men in their football gear throw the ball and catch it and tackle it and grunt and and and… especially if they are the New England Patriots…
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. I played basketball in High School. I was a decent player. Can’t guarantee I could still do it… but I once did in my prime.
68. Find his her way out of the woods if lost. Uhm… did you read #55??? Send out the search and rescue. Its gonna be a while.
69. Tie a knot. Yup. And usually – I can’t get the knot undone. That’s how good I am. What??? Do I look like I was in the Navy Seals or something???
70. Shake hands. I abhor girly man hand shakes. Be assertive without breaking a persons’ hand. Shake and release – and don’t wipe your hand on your pants afterwards!! Dear god…
71. Iron a shirt. My one of many many chores growing up. I can iron the wrinkles out of a pre-wrinkled fashion shirt. Damn straight I can.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. Lipgloss, hair tie, sunglasses. We’re going on an emergency trip to the beach, aren’t we? (Great minds think alike MM!!)
73. Caress a woman’s man’s neck. The tip of your fingers, gently caressing/tickling his neck, have him melt in my arms… the power of human touch… c’est magnifique!!!
74. Know some birds. Two types: Ones you eat and the ones you don’t.
75. Negotiate a better price. Well sort of. I said yes because if you don’t ask, you don’t get it. But to haggle – not so good. I let my best friend do that for me. She rocks!
Tag yourself and tell me about it. 63/75 ain’t too bad – that’s 84%… I think I pass…