Posted by: ~KC~ | July 21, 2008

The Catepillars in my Soul…

Lately – I’ve been using my ‘PhD in Horribleness

No matter how justified I feel I am.

Displeasure only comes after pain.

And one can burn a bridge in a day.

But…

Sometimes… the world is a better place when it is upside down.
Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it?

But I’m learning that when it is upside down… you end up learning that much more about yourself and it’s an interesting perspective.

People and situations look really ridiculously silly upside down.

But like a many things… you don’t know that until you are hung upside to dry. And of course… the beast within will fight you tooth and nail, gnawing and growling… all the way until I am left hanging upside down. It’s not pretty. In fact, it can be pretty damn ugly… and outright frightening. Until I realize that for the most part… I got myself there… all by myself… and I empowered those who hung me out to dry.

I know – there’s always lessons to be learned – I’d rather get my share of choice words out first. Lately… it hasn’t been nice. But it’s about establishing boundaries – I am finally standing up for myself… And nope – I’m not necessarily doing it with grace and dignity… I KNOW I got some work ahead of me… but I see it very clearly now – no matter how justified I feel. It’s ugly but oddly enough – it’s funny.

Hanging upside down… hanging by a frayed string… has given me the giggles. Laughing at my own ridiculousness, audacity and arrogance. Because everything looks funny upside down… and what’s upsetting me is rather idiotic and immature and outright stupid… especially when you change how you look at it. The ‘power’ it had over me… is really not that powerful after all – in fact, it’s incredibly powerless. It only has this negative power if I let it. And I’m letting it get to me anymore. It’s a good time to let that go. Doesn’t serve a purpose. Besides – I have learned the power of words – and what you put out there has a way of coming back to you – so to avoid bad karma – my choice words are just gonna have to accept the truth and take a break.

So… I am going to learn to stop. Look. And if it looks hard or I when simply cannot truly SEE the truth… I’ll simply change how I look at it. And in time – I won’t have to hang upside down to learn to defuse it.  Sometimes it’s good to have a good laugh at yourself, and laugh with those laughing at you.  You take their power away.  And that is a good feeling.

So… what’s next?

The first REAL big step.

Here I go.
I’m trying to not freak out.
Deep breathes. Really DEEP breathes.

I have a real estate agent coming by this week to give me an appraisal on my house… to establish what I need to do to sell this place in a hurting market (there’s been big layoffs in my town… which is hurting the real estate market… and with soaring gas prices – people aren’t necessarily wanting to commute anymore).

I’m nervous.
Really nervous.
Because I am doing this on faith.
Faith in that I will have a job out West by the time this place sells.
Faith in that I have no clue what I need to do to make this a smooth process.

But it is the first step.
And one that makes what I am working towards all that more real.
I’m nervous.
Excited but very anxious.
But its time.
Oh Boy.
This is BIG for me.

Blind faith… I don’t do well with that… but I have no choice.

It’s now or never.

Seriously… double *gulp*

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Responses

  1. I wish you well. I’ve not posted about all that has been happening in my area – too many family, friends & coworkers read my blog – but I am horribly concerned about everything happening in our area.

    The Hubby and I once had very stable jobs – I hope I can still say that in a year, but I’m worried.

  2. p.s. I thoroughly enjoyed Dr. Horrible, too. 🙂

  3. Thanks RC.
    I can feel your worry. Be strong – have faith. Take deep breathes.
    Its all we can do – stay present and try not to worry about what hasn’t happened yet. Save for a rainy day if possible… but stay present. Always.
    Easier said than done, eh?
    I know… and I too need to take my own advice!

  4. […] right now and I feel like I’ve really reached the end of my rope. Maybe I’ll try KC’s mode and actually hang upside down. It might bring some relief AND change my […]

  5. I hope this storm blows over quickly for you. The pool party sounded full of drama and fun. Life isn’t exactly too exciting round here, which is good I guess.

  6. Hey KC:

    So sorry I haven’t commented lately – commenting on your site always necessitates going to the bowels of my e-mail to cut and paste my password.

    Anyhoo, moving out West? I’m so excited! We’ll be close….well, close-er! Back to Alberta? That would be cool. Things will work out on the house. And if you eat a bit, so be it. In housing, it’s win some, lose some. Law of averages and karma always kicks in. It will be a great time to buy again elsewhere.

    I’m laughing at how you’re off men….well not laughing laughing, but I emphathize with you.

    Hope all is well otherwise.

    Holy hugs!


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