“KC… why would you want to throw away your good paying job… uproot everything that you’ve worked towards for the last 14 years… for what? Aren’t you scared? If I were you… I wouldn’t be able to do it!”
Fuck yeah… I’m petrified!!
I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t petrified!
And I actually resent people projecting their own insecurities and issues onto me… as though I am supposed to feel the same way as they do. You might not be in a position or wanting to do it, for whatever your reasons – doesn’t mean I can’t. I am NOT you… nor are you me. And on many levels… THANK GOD for that!
I wasn’t ready before… but the difference is that this time… I’m not going to let a seemingly good paying job and a ‘life’ I’ve created get in the way of what is what I really want. I won’t let fear get the best of me.
People look at me… my job… my life with envy… and question why would I want to give it all up.
It’s all fake.
Has no meaning.
Does it pay well… that’s debatable. When one struggles to make ends meet – avoids phone calls – and questions where the next dollars is going to come from so that we can eat or pay the hydro bill… I have to question – does it pay well? When the politics and red tape of a job become so unpleasant that you have anxiety attacks about coming into work… is that healthy? Trust me when I say… this isn’t the end all-be all!
And if you are incredibly unhappy … not making a difference in your life or in the lives of others – what is a mediocre pay job anyhow? Yes – I’ve put in 8 years. I have a quazzy pension. I have benefits. I have an RRSP plan and stocks (that’s I’ve had to cash out just to keep afloat and a roof over our head…) but it’s not what I want anymore.
And my life… please!?
During this last year, I’ve realized that my social circle, although all in their mid-30s – you would think they were stuck in high school, bickering rivals, fighting over stupid crushes and drinking themselves stupid every time they are out… and then wonder why they can’t find someone special… there’s no accountability whatsoever!
And honestly – I am sick and tired of the bickering, the complaining, the bitchiness – because I know I get the calls about others… you can bet your asses others are getting calls about me. That’s not my style.
I graduated in 1991… that was a long time ago. I’m not going back there.
Going back to a time where you were only ‘friends’ with someone as long as you had something to offer – and then you became a nusance. No thanks.
That’s what I have. Maybe someone else wants that life… I have one to give away!
Yes – I love the reputation I have established as a benevolent fundraiser and great event planner/organizer. I love that people can depend on me… come to me when they need a shoulder without judgment… and who will say it as I see it. I love that people think I’m funny and smart. But…
That’s a part of me that will go with me wherever I go in this world… and not dependent on time and place.
So… am I scared shitless about leaving a seemingly mediocre, boring but secure/stable life behind…
… for something that I don’t quite have a job yet to go to, nor a place to live?
But it’s worth it.
I’ve been living a half-assed life for too long.
And I want a clean start.
I wasn’t ready before because I was too emotionally involved and spiritually drained in what is my current life and situation.
This past year has been hard on sooo many levels… issues arising that have challenged the very core of who I am… and forcefully made me introspective. And I realized – with some unexpected assistance – that I am living a half-assed life.
Oh – don’t read this wrong.
I’ve had some amazing moments…
Met some incredible people (and many not so incredible people…)
I learned about who I am.
I loved and lost.
I fought and won.
I cried and sang.
I found myself.
And now I must honour that and walk away from what isn’t true to me anymore.
My dad is a great excuse … I mean I can hide behind his health issues… and even mine.
But the truth is… I don’t want this seemingly “good job” and “great social circle” anymore. Because it’s not all that. I’m not ungrateful. I have more than many. But I have far less than many as well.
It’s now about quality vs. quantity.
Trust me… it makes a difference.
And I am ready for the real thing now.
I’m turning 35 this year.
Its time for the real deal.