Posted by: ~KC~ | August 5, 2008

Why? Some Have Asked…

KC… why would you want to throw away your good paying job… uproot everything that you’ve worked towards for the last 14 years… for what?  Aren’t you scared?  If I were you… I wouldn’t be able to do it!

 

Fuck yeah… I’m petrified!!

I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t petrified!

And I actually resent people projecting their own insecurities and issues onto me… as though I am supposed to feel the same way as they do.  You might not be in a position or wanting to do it, for whatever your reasons – doesn’t mean I can’t.  I am NOT you… nor are you me.  And on many levels… THANK GOD for that!

 

I wasn’t ready before… but the difference is that this time… I’m not going to let a seemingly good paying job and a ‘life’ I’ve created get in the way of what is what I really want.  I won’t let fear get the best of me.

 

People look at me… my job… my life with envy… and question why would I want to give it all up.

 

Easy.

It’s all fake.

Superficial.

Has no meaning.

No significance.

 

Does it pay well… that’s debatable.  When one struggles to make ends meet – avoids phone calls – and questions where the next dollars is going to come from so that we can eat or pay the hydro bill… I have to question – does it pay well?  When the politics and red tape of a job become so unpleasant that you have anxiety attacks about coming into work… is that healthy?  Trust me when I say… this isn’t the end all-be all!

 

And if you are incredibly unhappy … not making a difference in your life or in the lives of others – what is a mediocre pay job anyhow?  Yes – I’ve put in 8 years.  I have a quazzy pension. I have benefits.  I have an RRSP plan and stocks (that’s I’ve had to cash out just to keep afloat and a roof over our head…) but it’s not what I want anymore.

 

And my life… please!?

During this last year, I’ve realized that my social circle, although all in their mid-30s – you would think they were stuck in high school, bickering rivals, fighting over stupid crushes and drinking themselves stupid every time they are out… and then wonder why they can’t find someone special… there’s no accountability whatsoever!

And honestly – I am sick and tired of the bickering, the complaining, the bitchiness – because I know I get the calls about others… you can bet your asses others are getting calls about me.  That’s not my style.

I graduated in 1991… that was a long time ago.  I’m not going back there.

Going back to a time where you were only ‘friends’ with someone as long as you had something to offer – and then you became a nusance.  No thanks.

That’s what I have.  Maybe someone else wants that life… I have one to give away!

 

Yes – I love the reputation I have established as a benevolent fundraiser and great event planner/organizer.  I love that people can depend on me… come to me when they need a shoulder without judgment… and who will say it as I see it.  I love that people think I’m funny and smart.  But…

 

That’s a part of me that will go with me wherever I go in this world… and not dependent on time and place.

 

So… am I scared shitless about leaving a seemingly mediocre, boring but secure/stable life behind…

 

… for something that I don’t quite have a job yet to go to, nor a place to live?

 

I am.

But it’s worth it.

I’ve been living a half-assed life for too long.

And I want a clean start.

I wasn’t ready before because I was too emotionally involved and spiritually drained in what is my current life and situation.

This past year has been hard on sooo many levels… issues arising that have challenged the very core of who I am… and forcefully made me introspective.  And I realized – with some unexpected assistance – that I am living a half-assed life.

 

Oh – don’t read this wrong.

I’ve had some amazing moments…

Great trips…

Met some incredible people (and many not so incredible people…)

 

I learned about who I am.

I loved and lost.

I fought and won.

I cried and sang.

I found myself.

 

And now I must honour that and walk away from what isn’t true to me anymore.

My dad is a great excuse … I mean I can hide behind his health issues… and even mine.

But the truth is… I don’t want this seemingly “good job” and “great social circle” anymore.  Because it’s not all that.  I’m not ungrateful.  I have more than many.  But I have far less than many as well.

 

It’s now about quality vs. quantity.

Trust me… it makes a difference.

 

And I am ready for the real thing now.

I’m turning 35 this year.

Its time for the real deal.

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Responses

  1. i don’t think you were reading me but i did the same thing- last year, with kid in tow, i decided to leave my corporate job, try a new ‘thing’ (which has worked out nicely) and moved here again (had left for TN for 2 years), and just follow my gut that what i was doing was just not making me feel all fuzzy inside. I’m glad I did, and haven’t looked back- all the pieces fell together well before I had time to panic about it.

  2. Thanks Jane for sharing this!
    I needed to hear from others who have given up what others feel is a lot… only to gain that much more!

  3. I’m proud of you, reaching for that better instead of settling.

    When we decided to move back to the small city from Dallas, it was amazing how many people, when told that I was moving back home, told me that they wished they could get back to something simpler, something more fulfilling. Too many people felt they were trapped in the corporate income, by mortgages, etc and they only dreamed of a better/easier life. It confirmed to me that so many people let the things in their lives dictate how they live and so they don’t really live, but exist.

    I’m happy you want to live your life, not just drift through it and waking up one day wondering where it all went.

  4. Thanks Willow.
    Tired of existing.
    Its time to live!

  5. Enjoy living! I’m a bit on hold right now, due to my different priorities than you, but I understand!

  6. “When the politics and red tape of a job become so unpleasant that you have anxiety attacks about coming into work… is that healthy?”

    Sadly, I know more about THIS than I’d care to admit.

    “…I must honour that and walk away from what isn’t true to me anymore.”

    I so admire you for doing that! Stay the path, sister. Believe in YOU. 🙂

  7. @ Thanks RC – you do what you have too… your priorities are with Little Dude and getting you both back to HEALTHY!!!

    @ Elizabeth… thank you for believing in me. Its hard to keep it a secret from everyone around me… but I feel some relief and support from my friends in blogsphere… and that support is helping me go the distance. Thanks hon!

  8. You know when we made out move, I am sure many thought we were nuts or giving up or whatever. The reality this is our growing up, making amends, learning new skills and while everything isn’t perfect we are happy. Go for it.

  9. Just remember that no experience is ever wasted. One day you will look back on all of this and have one of those ah-ha moments and it will all be put into perspective.

    You’re doing great!!!

  10. Always follow your heart. 🙂


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